Lifes Change-Ups

Guys, here’s the deal. Life happens and it happens FAST and sometimes the punches never feel like they’re going to end..

This is year has been WILD. I went through a struggling marriage to a single momma of two in what seems like seconds. I really don’t even know where to begin, so i’m going to just ramble in hopes that this reaches you and let’s you know that you are NOT alone and are stronger than you can even imagine.

I am a recovering people pleaser and coupled with divorce… I honestly thought that I had failed everything and everybody. Growing up, I watched my parents whom were married 32 years thrive. Yes, they had their hardships but they always pulled through. Together. Knowing this, I knew I wanted the same thing but sometimes our reality isn’t what we had always thought it would be. For instance, I was married to my ex husband for 10 years and we have two beautiful children together. We had the “perfect” life but behind closed doors, it was far from perfect. I was breaking. My heart, soul and body was in a constant state of fight or flight mode and at the time I thought I was crazy. I mean why should I feel like that when so many other people were going through things that were far worse than what I thought I was going through. But the truth was.. I was slowly losing air and I couldn’t ever find the the air pocket.. But why? The reason was right there in front of me the entire time. I was miserable. Simple as that. I was giving my absolute all to a relationship that was giving nothing in return but crumbles of hope here and there. My daily life was full of walking on eggshells and waiting for the next “fix” that would only come around sometimes. It was my drug and I could never get enough. I lived for the next high or so called ‘happy’ endorphins that would last me for a few days and then go right back into a vicious cycle of emptiness, confusion, broken heartedness and then a couple more ‘good days’ and then start all over. I was an addict that was craving approval and worth. But I couldn’t see it and if I could, I buried it so far down that I wasn’t ever going to let myself see it for what it was.. Mental Abuse. (Honestly saying those words still feel wrong.)

Fastward to the last year(ish)

Morning came and I woke up immediately to the thought that I was broken. My memory was gone. Gone to the point where I had early onset dementia.. (I have family that has passed and or are currently suffering and it’s always in the back of my mind) I didn’t want to get out of bed, I gained weight that I couldn’t get rid of, I was constantly sick and my will to keep going and putting on that fake smile was gone. I remember thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me. I called the doctor to set up an appointment.. I was told for YEARS that something was wrong with me by said partner and that I was broken and not normal. The worst part? I believed it.

My kids had a mom that was struggling in so many different ways, but being a mom means putting on a happy face and going on like nothing is wrong all while hoping and praying that the fake smiles and laughs would be enough to hide the pain inside.. because moms are superheros, right?

After countless doctors appointments that led nowhere, counseling sessions that I was convinced I needed and living on prayers, I broke. It all just finally made sense. One day I had a moment of clarity. It was a voice that I can’t even begin to explain.. the voice told me that I needed to end the idea of sticking through the bad and finally end this relationship that was literally draining the life out of me. I needed out. Pronto. And it was in that moment that I realized that I deserved the non conditional love and consistency that my body and soul were so desperately craving. I was settling for a broken vision that wasn’t ever going to come.

I wasn’t broken. In fact I was none of the things that I was told for so many years. Instead, I was miserable and unhappy. I was living the way someone else was wanting me to live. I was being manipulated into thinking that because I wasn’t this persons ideal wife.. that I was broken. BUT once I had that moment of clarity and chose that my so called “relationship'“ that I had worked so hard into fixing was the actual problem and that I needed out.. My body immediately felt relief for the first time in YEARS. I was actually content. I knew that my decision was the right one and I could feel it inside and out.

You see, God gives us this beautiful gift of intuition but because we are human, we choose not to use it sometimes. Especially when we’re blinded by what we think is love. BUT because we see love for what it could be we lose that intuition based on what we think “could be” or what they “could be one day.”

God wants us to love everybody. He wants us to see the good but he also gives us the choice on what we choose to do with this gift.

To say I wasn’t ever bitter at God for making me go through all of this would be a bold faced LIE. I still struggle with bitterness, hurt and unhappiness and the what could have beens. Hurt runs DEEP and it’s going to take time.. time I’m still waiting and struggling through. And for someone who is as impatient as myself, the struggle is REAL.

I read a the book of Job the other day. In the book of Job, God had given Job an amazing life, and then one day it was all taken away. His family, crops, livestock.. All of it was just GONE. Through this entire book Job went through all of the stages of grief but not once did he lose his faith in God. He stayed faithful through it all.. and eventually God gave him grace and Jobs life was restored. His fortunes came back tenfold and he was able to move out of his hardships into a new life.

Like Job, we as humans question and mourn our losses. We get angry, cry out, beg and plead for things to change and for understanding. But God has a reason and a plan for every single trial that we go through.. Even if it’s something that we aren’t able to see right now.

You are not alone. You are worthy. You are allowed to feel all of these feelings but one thing is for sure. God is ALWAYS in your corner and he hears every single one of our cries.

If this is something that resonates with you, I promise you’re not alone. I’m struggling right along next to you along with so many others. We are going to get through this and we are going to come out so much stronger and so much more happy. It’s going to take time, but just like Job we can’t lose sight on Gods love. It’s so easy to do BUT it will always be there.

WE’VE GOT THIS!

XOXO,

Little Miss Cowpoke